I'm not going to try and catch anyone up in detail at this point. Maybe later. I don't know. Suffice it to say my ex wife is indeed now my ex wife. She filed divorce papers in February of 2012 shortly after she conceived a child with aforementioned "J". I hired an attorney and there was a long custody battle which I won. I still tried to love her and save it all, and life was a terrible roller coaster for a long while. The last time we dated it lasted exactly a week, the last week in October of 2013. I told her I had a problem with her having J over to her home for over-night visits "to see their daughter" (who I already knew was sleeping most of the night) when I wasn't there; she subsequently called me an abusive and controlling a*& hole. I stood up and walked out the door of her home and that was the last time I tried to salvage our marriage.. Our divorce was finalized Dec. 5th of 2013, roughly 3 years after the crap hit the fan.
I haven't written lately. Writing came easy to me during school. I don't consider myself a good writer, but I do consider myself better at getting my message across in writing than I do verbally. Writing is therapeutic, and when I can look at my blog stats and see that a person or two or ten actually read what I wrote, it is liberating.
Its been a long time since I posted on this blog. I have so much bottled up. I thought I'd been doing everything the right way. I never ran to women or booze; I never turned to drugs or anything I consider to be negative or unhealthy behavior to deal with my emotions. I knew divorce would hurt. I knew being a single dad would be hard. I knew I had a lot to work on; but its not until recently that I'm feeling what I'm feeling now. I'm broken. Totally. Unequivocally. Undoubtedly. Irrefutably. Quantifiably. Broken.
My intentions are to resurrect this blog from the depths of the interwebz and continue spewing my thoughts in an effort to let it out. In my brokenness I've found there are other people out there who know how I feel. They know what I'm going through. That's nice. Even if I'm not brave enough to write this under my own name, I figure its something. I am holding out in my anonymity because I feel it will help me be 100% truthful and forthcoming. I think I need to let it out. Maybe that will finally help me heal... if healing will ever happen I don't know. I'm definitely not brave enough to let my family and friends know how messed up I really am.
Tonight I just want to come out and say it. Tonight I just want to let go and tell you all that I'm broken. I'm messed up. So much more than anyone in my life knows. Sometimes I'm numb. Sometimes I hurt so bad I just lay here and wish I was numb. I'm lonely. I'm emotional. I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some days, every once in awhile I feel good. I feel confident and I feel valuable. I feel like I’m Superman. Days I feel like I'm doing alright at this whole being a parent and a grown up thing. Like yesterday when my toddler son dramatically and with deep concern chastised me for not pulling over when he saw a car on the shoulder of the road. I love that he knows that’s what we do when there’s a car on the side of the road; we pull over and help them. They need help, its just what we do.
Then I get a text. I get a call. I see a picture or a comment. I go to a family party or drive past a building or a sign or a tree. I eat something or I sing along to a song in the radio; and it all comes back. Worse.
I was married to my best friend. I had the kind of friendship that people look at and say “I want that.” How do I know this? Because just this weekend my sister in law told me about a particular journal entry of hers that said just that.
I don't know if people get second chances. Some people go their entire lives without having that. I don't have a lot of hope that I'll ever have it again.
Surely I have graduation goggles on about the relationship. I know there were rough nights I know there were late fights. I remember the gut wrenching fear after it all started to fall apart that when I came home from work she wasn't going to be there... but none of that seems to matter now. Even though I know its done. Its over. Even though I have the strength to ignore texts at 2am asking me if I'm awake and telling me how much she misses her old life. Even though I know there is just so much hurt and pain and distrust. I want it all back so bad in my heart, not with her.. just “it”. I want someone on my team. I want someone to lay in bed and laugh with. I want someone to go on road trips with. I want someone to hold. I want someone to be strong for and someone to be scared to. I want someone to dance with in the front room. I want someone that wants me... as much as he means to me..someone that’s not 5 years old. I feel like a stranger when I'm with her in person. I don't have a desire to do things with her or talk to her. It's gone. I don't feel like I'm hung up on her. I don't even want to hire someone to crack her miscellaneous boyfriends knee caps anymore. I'm not over the hurt. I'm not over being not good enough. I do feel like I'm hung up on my insecurities and have a complete lack of hope that I'll ever not be alone again.
I'm so tired of being alone
But I don't know if I'm healthy enough and capable of giving what I want to give to someone.
I don't know how you fix insecurities. I've tried. I've prayed. I've opened up to one person that disappeared from my life shortly thereafter and one who is at least as broken as I am.
My head tells me I'm good enough.
I'm a hard working honest man. I'm not abusive. I'm not trapped under the weight of indulging in any addictions. I’ve never been to jail. I'm spiritual, giving, and I'm fiercly loyal. Hell... sometimes I'm even fun. I have a killer James Blunt impression. People seem to like to be around me. They all say they want to set me up with someone. But there are these things... these things that eat at me and tell me I'm not good enough. Agreements I've made with Satan? I don't know how you get over somethings without someone really proving to you that you ARE worth it. Without someone proving those things are ok. Its ok, normal even, to be imperfect. That they can love you despite..nay... BECAUSE of your imperfections. Its a catch 22. How do you promise the world to someone and take their heart in yours with a promise to guard and treasure it when part of you doesn't believe your good enough to give that to someone. I dunno. I'm broken.
I feel empty and its reflected in my motivations.
The only way things get done is if someone is counting on me to do them. Work, Church responsibilities. Family... even then I sometimes flake out. If its up to me and for me, its going to sit there on my to do list until outside forces pressuring me to do it. Yard work? Yup.... I mow my lawn when I get a fix it ticket from the city. Do the dishes? Hah We use disposable dishes every night, but any dishes that do accumulate in the sink are going to sit there until someones coming over to my home. Could be a week. Could be two. Matter of fact as I write this there is a dirty muffin pan and a few plates and bowls sitting in my refrigerator because I had people coming over and procrastinated doing the dishes until it was too late so I hid them.... two days ago. I'm tired of hiding my dirty dishes. This blog is me opening my fridge.... smell that? Gross huh.
Bleh... just got a call. Looks like another job tonight. Yay for being self employed. I'll pick up later. Its mostly just words thrown up onto a computer monitor anyways. Not sure when I will be back or what I will talk about. Kinda an adventure I suppose.