I'm not going to try and catch anyone up in detail at this point. Maybe later. I don't know. Suffice it to say my ex wife is indeed now my ex wife. She filed divorce papers in February of 2012 shortly after she conceived a child with aforementioned "J". I hired an attorney and there was a long custody battle which I won. I still tried to love her and save it all, and life was a terrible roller coaster for a long while. The last time we dated it lasted exactly a week, the last week in October of 2013. I told her I had a problem with her having J over to her home for over-night visits "to see their daughter" (who I already knew was sleeping most of the night) when I wasn't there; she subsequently called me an abusive and controlling a*& hole. I stood up and walked out the door of her home and that was the last time I tried to salvage our marriage.. Our divorce was finalized Dec. 5th of 2013, roughly 3 years after the crap hit the fan.
I haven't written lately. Writing came
easy to me during school. I don't consider myself a good writer, but
I do consider myself better at getting my message across in writing
than I do verbally. Writing is therapeutic, and when I can look at my
blog stats and see that a person or two or ten actually read what I
wrote, it is liberating.
Its been a long time since I posted on
this blog. I have so much bottled up. I thought I'd been doing
everything the right way. I never ran to women or booze; I never
turned to drugs or anything I consider to be negative or unhealthy
behavior to deal with my emotions. I knew divorce would hurt. I knew
being a single dad would be hard. I knew I had a lot to work on; but
its not until recently that I'm feeling what I'm feeling now. I'm
broken. Totally. Unequivocally. Undoubtedly. Irrefutably.
Quantifiably. Broken.
My intentions are to resurrect this
blog from the depths of the interwebz and continue spewing my
thoughts in an effort to let it out. In my brokenness I've found
there are other people out there who know how I feel. They know what
I'm going through. That's nice. Even if I'm not brave enough to write
this under my own name, I figure its something. I am holding out in
my anonymity because I feel it will help me be 100% truthful and
forthcoming. I think I need to let it out. Maybe that will finally
help me heal... if healing will ever happen I don't know. I'm
definitely not brave enough to let my family and friends know how
messed up I really am.
Tonight I just want to come out and say
it. Tonight I just want to let go and tell you all that I'm broken.
I'm messed up. So much more than anyone in my life knows. Sometimes
I'm numb. Sometimes I hurt so bad I just lay here and wish I was
numb. I'm lonely. I'm emotional. I'm exhausted physically,
emotionally, and spiritually. Some days, every once in awhile I feel
good. I feel confident and I feel valuable. I feel like I’m
Superman. Days I feel like I'm doing alright at this whole being a
parent and a grown up thing. Like yesterday when my toddler son
dramatically and with deep concern chastised me for not pulling over
when he saw a car on the shoulder of the road. I love that he knows
that’s what we do when there’s a car on the side of the road; we
pull over and help them. They need help, its just what we do.
Then I get a text. I get a call. I see
a picture or a comment. I go to a family party or drive past a
building or a sign or a tree. I eat something or I sing along to a
song in the radio; and it all comes back. Worse.
I was married to my best friend. I had
the kind of friendship that people look at and say “I want that.”
How do I know this? Because just this weekend my sister in law told
me about a particular journal entry of hers that said just that.
I don't know if people get second
chances. Some people go their entire lives without having that. I
don't have a lot of hope that I'll ever have it again.
Surely I have graduation goggles on
about the relationship. I know there were rough nights I know there
were late fights. I remember the gut wrenching fear after it all
started to fall apart that when I came home from work she wasn't
going to be there... but none of that seems to matter now. Even
though I know its done. Its over. Even though I have the strength to
ignore texts at 2am asking me if I'm awake and telling me how much
she misses her old life. Even though I know there is just so much
hurt and pain and distrust. I want it all back so bad in my heart,
not with her.. just “it”. I want someone on my team. I want
someone to lay in bed and laugh with. I want someone to go on road
trips with. I want someone to hold. I want someone to be strong for
and someone to be scared to. I want someone to dance with in the
front room. I want someone that wants me... as much as he means to
me..someone that’s not 5 years old. I feel like a stranger when I'm
with her in person. I don't have a desire to do things with her or
talk to her. It's gone. I don't feel like I'm hung up on her. I don't
even want to hire someone to crack her miscellaneous boyfriends knee
caps anymore. I'm not over the hurt. I'm not over being not good
enough. I do feel like I'm hung up on my insecurities and have a
complete lack of hope that I'll ever not be alone again.
I'm so tired of being alone
...
But I don't know if I'm healthy enough
and capable of giving what I want to give to someone.
I don't know how you fix insecurities.
I've tried. I've prayed. I've opened up to one person that
disappeared from my life shortly thereafter and one who is at least
as broken as I am.
My head tells me I'm good enough.
I'm a hard working honest man. I'm not
abusive. I'm not trapped under the weight of indulging in any
addictions. I’ve never been to jail. I'm spiritual, giving, and I'm
fiercly loyal. Hell... sometimes I'm even fun. I have a killer James
Blunt impression. People seem to like to be around me. They all say
they want to set me up with someone. But there are these things...
these things that eat at me and tell me I'm not good enough.
Agreements I've made with Satan? I don't know how you get over
somethings without someone really proving to you that you ARE worth
it. Without someone proving those things are ok. Its ok, normal even,
to be imperfect. That they can love you despite..nay... BECAUSE of
your imperfections. Its a catch 22. How do you promise the world to
someone and take their heart in yours with a promise to guard and
treasure it when part of you doesn't believe your good enough to give
that to someone. I dunno. I'm broken.
I feel empty and its reflected in my
motivations.
The only way things get done is if
someone is counting on me to do them. Work, Church responsibilities.
Family... even then I sometimes flake out. If its up to me and for
me, its going to sit there on my to do list until outside forces
pressuring me to do it. Yard work? Yup.... I mow my lawn when I get a
fix it ticket from the city. Do the dishes? Hah We use disposable
dishes every night, but any dishes that do accumulate in the sink are
going to sit there until someones coming over to my home. Could be a
week. Could be two. Matter of fact as I write this there is a dirty
muffin pan and a few plates and bowls sitting in my refrigerator
because I had people coming over and procrastinated doing the dishes
until it was too late so I hid them.... two days ago. I'm tired of
hiding my dirty dishes. This blog is me opening my fridge.... smell
that? Gross huh.
Bleh... just got a call. Looks like
another job tonight. Yay for being self employed. I'll pick up later.
Its mostly just words thrown up onto a computer monitor anyways. Not
sure when I will be back or what I will talk about. Kinda an
adventure I suppose.
Me.