More

I havent had the desire to sit down and type this out for a few weeks now, but I think its time to start telling my story again and get back to getting it all out and down in writing to straighten out my thoughts.

Well, the night that the crap really hit the fan, not the night that everything came out, but the first time we really sat down and I was still on my defense trying to keep my secrets she made me a "deal". I knew it was a bad idea, I knew it wouldnt fix anything, but it was my only choice, my only chance to keep things from falling apart right then and there. She demanded I buy her a breast augmentation surgery. She said she was self concious about all the other breasts I had seen and that hers didn't live up to my expectations due to her having had and breast fed three children. She was wrong, I never judged her against another woman and I never had any problems or complaints or secret desires for her breasts to be "improved". I said OK. I said I wanted to go see a marriage counselor before we made the appointment for the surgery, but I said ok, praying that the counselor would see my side of things and tell her the surgery wouldn't really address or correct any of her insecurities or feelings. He didn't.. he told her to go for it, that it would make her feel better. He also said several other things that in hind-sight were complete garbage.

I took off a thursday and friday for her surgery and for the first time in 4 years got into debt to pay for her surgery through a personal loan. I lost my job the next monday.

It wasn't long after the surgery that she started texting an old guy friend, we will call him D.
One night me and my wife were sitting on the couch watching a movie and I looked at her phone. She had sent text messages about strip teases and her breasts to D. I confronted her. She took the keys to the car and left around 10pm, not returning until about 3 am. I asked her who she was with all night and she told me her sisters, and her sisters friend and her sisters friends cousin. I had a problem with it and she just got more angry at me as if every other woman in the world leaves for all night avoiding her husbands call and texts and it was reasonable.
A short time later, on August 5th, 2011 my wife snuck out at 11:30pm. I heard the back door close and tried to chase her but she had already left. I checked for her in all of our cars, sheds, yard, I am confident she was gone. It was about 4:30 AM that she came back inside. I (angrily) asked her where she had gone to and she told me she went with D, and they went to a park and talked. I looked at her phone again and he sent a text asking "how do I get back to the freeway again?" I told him to take "F*&^* off BLVD" He proceeded to text me and threaten me several times to which I replied turn your car around, I'm waiting and then stopped texting him. I also read the previous texts to and from him that night and saw that he text her at 10pm saying, "don't forget about me" to which she replied, "I have to wait until he falls asleep, the back door is really loud". Her story changed a couple weeks later that she was hiding in the van in our driveway for most of the night and really only spent less than an hour with the home-wrecker.
I hit my lowest spot in life to date at this point.

Lets go back to May 2011. I started meeting with my bishop. I confessed my sins, I asked for his help in moving forward. I was as sincere as anyone has ever been. My life had been on hold for a decade because of my failure to come unto repentance. There was nothing stopping me anymore.
I made as much restitution as possible for multiple wrongs I've done, and got my life on track. I have actually just been interviewed by my bishop and been found worthy to be ordained to the office of Elder in the Mel. Priesthood. I am waiting a call from the stake presidency to set up an interview with them. Two weeks ago I got a conditional use temple recommend for the first honest time in my life. This situation has in a way been the best thing to ever happen to me. It gave me the motivation I needed to get my life back on track. I know that Jesus Christ is my savior. My brother who made everything possible through his atoning sacrifice. I know he is there for me. I know I surpassed my mortal abilities to forgive and be patient months ago. I know he is holding me up and getting me through this.

Back to Auguust.

I experienced some crazy emotions here. At this point I was confident that my wife was physically cheating on me. At this point she actually came out and told me she slept with her sisters friends cousin the first night she left. She told me she had sex with him in the drivers seat of my car. I don't fully understand them, but when I learned about her unfaithfulness I reacted in a way entirely different than she did. I wanted to hold her, I wanted to feel like she was mine. I wanted to be intimate with her. I think that is backwards, I should have wanted her gone, I should have wanted to call her a whore, a slut, a bitch. But I just wanted her to come home and say "I'm sorry, I love you". I felt this everyday for what seemed like a long time. Everytime I got in my car I could only think about my wife riding another man in that very spot.

I made the decision. I made the decision to try and get over my hurt and bitter feelings towards her. I decided to do everything I could to forgive and forget her tresspasses on a daily or more frequent basis.

Her texts continued with D but I don't remember her leaving the house at night to be with him or further physical interaction with him until November.

In October she entered into a relationship with a man named L. Her ex husbands ex brother in law. The guy was an outright alcoholic, had a criminal rap sheet a mile long including child abuse, dishonorably discharged from the military. He was a real piece of work. She text and called him alot. She lied to me and went on an 8 hour long hike with him. I found out through our 5 year old daughter that he went on the hike with them. Let me point out that she deliberately and specifically lied to me about this atleast a dozen times when asked yes or no questions. In early November she told me she was done with L because he was an idiot and a drunkard.

She then started going to her brothers house in the evenings to hang out, de stress, and "get away", ignoring my calls and texts, and coming back hours later than she said she would be (often in the early hours of the morning). I tried to not pass judgement here, thinking that she really was having a hard time and needed to get out. Turns out her brother introduced her to her newest love interest. J. I don't know alot about J. I know he has a drinking problem and has already told her that he looks at porn. I know he has kids he can't see. I know he is officially dating my wife in a "steady" relationship. I know he works nights, and his nights off are Wed. and Sat. I know that every single Wed and Sat night him and my wife have had sleepovers for the last 3+ weeks. I know my daughters talk about him alot. I know my wife told me she loves him and he makes her happy. I know that seeing them on a date. Seeing his car in front of her fathers home where she is staying. Thinking about them every wed and sat, especially when my son is there and I know he is watching his mother with another man. I know that this is the worst I've ever felt in my life. I know that I 've never experienced real panic attacks, not being able to breath, sweating, and generally feeling like I am litterally going to die until then. I know that I can't even describe the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain I feel about my wife being with another man.