Blog Resurrection

I'm not going to try and catch anyone up in detail at this point. Maybe later. I don't know. Suffice it to say my ex wife is indeed now my ex wife. She filed divorce papers in February of 2012 shortly after she conceived a child with aforementioned "J". I hired an attorney and there was a long custody battle which I won. I still tried to love her and save it all, and life was a terrible roller coaster for a long while. The last time we dated it lasted exactly a week, the last week in October of 2013. I told her I had a problem with her having J over to her home for over-night visits "to see their daughter" (who I already knew was sleeping most of the night) when I wasn't there; she subsequently called me an abusive and controlling a*& hole. I stood up and walked out the door of her home and that was the last time I tried to salvage our marriage.. Our divorce was finalized Dec. 5th of 2013, roughly 3 years after the crap hit the fan. 

I haven't written lately. Writing came easy to me during school. I don't consider myself a good writer, but I do consider myself better at getting my message across in writing than I do verbally. Writing is therapeutic, and when I can look at my blog stats and see that a person or two or ten actually read what I wrote, it is liberating.

Its been a long time since I posted on this blog. I have so much bottled up. I thought I'd been doing everything the right way. I never ran to women or booze; I never turned to drugs or anything I consider to be negative or unhealthy behavior to deal with my emotions. I knew divorce would hurt. I knew being a single dad would be hard. I knew I had a lot to work on; but its not until recently that I'm feeling what I'm feeling now. I'm broken. Totally. Unequivocally. Undoubtedly. Irrefutably. Quantifiably. Broken.

My intentions are to resurrect this blog from the depths of the interwebz and continue spewing my thoughts in an effort to let it out. In my brokenness I've found there are other people out there who know how I feel. They know what I'm going through. That's nice. Even if I'm not brave enough to write this under my own name, I figure its something. I am holding out in my anonymity because I feel it will help me be 100% truthful and forthcoming. I think I need to let it out. Maybe that will finally help me heal... if healing will ever happen I don't know. I'm definitely not brave enough to let my family and friends know how messed up I really am.

Tonight I just want to come out and say it. Tonight I just want to let go and tell you all that I'm broken. I'm messed up. So much more than anyone in my life knows. Sometimes I'm numb. Sometimes I hurt so bad I just lay here and wish I was numb. I'm lonely. I'm emotional. I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Some days, every once in awhile I feel good. I feel confident and I feel valuable. I feel like I’m Superman. Days I feel like I'm doing alright at this whole being a parent and a grown up thing. Like yesterday when my toddler son dramatically and with deep concern chastised me for not pulling over when he saw a car on the shoulder of the road. I love that he knows that’s what we do when there’s a car on the side of the road; we pull over and help them. They need help, its just what we do.

Then I get a text. I get a call. I see a picture or a comment. I go to a family party or drive past a building or a sign or a tree. I eat something or I sing along to a song in the radio; and it all comes back. Worse.

I was married to my best friend. I had the kind of friendship that people look at and say “I want that.” How do I know this? Because just this weekend my sister in law told me about a particular journal entry of hers that said just that.

I don't know if people get second chances. Some people go their entire lives without having that. I don't have a lot of hope that I'll ever have it again.

Surely I have graduation goggles on about the relationship. I know there were rough nights I know there were late fights. I remember the gut wrenching fear after it all started to fall apart that when I came home from work she wasn't going to be there... but none of that seems to matter now. Even though I know its done. Its over. Even though I have the strength to ignore texts at 2am asking me if I'm awake and telling me how much she misses her old life. Even though I know there is just so much hurt and pain and distrust. I want it all back so bad in my heart, not with her.. just “it”. I want someone on my team. I want someone to lay in bed and laugh with. I want someone to go on road trips with. I want someone to hold. I want someone to be strong for and someone to be scared to. I want someone to dance with in the front room. I want someone that wants me... as much as he means to me..someone that’s not 5 years old. I feel like a stranger when I'm with her in person. I don't have a desire to do things with her or talk to her. It's gone. I don't feel like I'm hung up on her. I don't even want to hire someone to crack her miscellaneous boyfriends knee caps anymore. I'm not over the hurt. I'm not over being not good enough. I do feel like I'm hung up on my insecurities and have a complete lack of hope that I'll ever not be alone again.

I'm so tired of being alone

...

But I don't know if I'm healthy enough and capable of giving what I want to give to someone.

I don't know how you fix insecurities. I've tried. I've prayed. I've opened up to one person that disappeared from my life shortly thereafter and one who is at least as broken as I am.

My head tells me I'm good enough.

I'm a hard working honest man. I'm not abusive. I'm not trapped under the weight of indulging in any addictions. I’ve never been to jail. I'm spiritual, giving, and I'm fiercly loyal. Hell... sometimes I'm even fun. I have a killer James Blunt impression. People seem to like to be around me. They all say they want to set me up with someone. But there are these things... these things that eat at me and tell me I'm not good enough. Agreements I've made with Satan? I don't know how you get over somethings without someone really proving to you that you ARE worth it. Without someone proving those things are ok. Its ok, normal even, to be imperfect. That they can love you despite..nay... BECAUSE of your imperfections. Its a catch 22. How do you promise the world to someone and take their heart in yours with a promise to guard and treasure it when part of you doesn't believe your good enough to give that to someone. I dunno. I'm broken.

I feel empty and its reflected in my motivations.

The only way things get done is if someone is counting on me to do them. Work, Church responsibilities. Family... even then I sometimes flake out. If its up to me and for me, its going to sit there on my to do list until outside forces pressuring me to do it. Yard work? Yup.... I mow my lawn when I get a fix it ticket from the city. Do the dishes? Hah We use disposable dishes every night, but any dishes that do accumulate in the sink are going to sit there until someones coming over to my home. Could be a week. Could be two. Matter of fact as I write this there is a dirty muffin pan and a few plates and bowls sitting in my refrigerator because I had people coming over and procrastinated doing the dishes until it was too late so I hid them.... two days ago. I'm tired of hiding my dirty dishes. This blog is me opening my fridge.... smell that? Gross huh.

Bleh... just got a call. Looks like another job tonight. Yay for being self employed. I'll pick up later. Its mostly just words thrown up onto a computer monitor anyways. Not sure when I will be back or what I will talk about. Kinda an adventure I suppose.

Me.  

Its been awhile

I want to tell you about how I'm on the up and up, but I'm going to start out by saying, "screw tonight!"
Sat down with the wifey tonight after she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend for a couple days, and then got back together with him about 10 minutes before I got there. I told her that was ridiculous, that she was more dedicated to her extra-marital boyfriend than to her husband by giving him a second chance when he asked for it. She listened to me for a minute, I mean she really listened. In the end, she decided to stonewall and that was that. She is making the biggest mistake of her life thus far. She is so deep in her situation that she is acting exactly like an idiot teenager. Making the same mistakes that I made that hurt her in the first place. As if she doesn't know where the life she is choosing will take her. Her heart is the hardest I have ever seen. She proceeded to cry and tell me that I don't know how it feels to have every man she's ever loved cheat on her with pornography, to which I sincerely agree'd... and then told me how her boyfriend is perfect... and looks at pornography. I wonder if she can even hear herself? I wish I could help her, not even primarily for our marriage, but just help her. I love and miss her so much. I know the "new her" isn't the real her.

Then my best friend/confidant/ear and shoulder to talk to and vent on for the past few months pretty much asked me to leave her alone for awhile, understandably and I'm happy to accommodate her, but good gosh I'm feeling it tonight. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to that understands a little, someone that can take a crap day and make you smile. I'm losing that with this friendship, at least for now... and hopefully forever if she can make her marriage work where I couldn't.

That being said, I do generally feel on the up. Last week sucked, bad. On friday things kind of turned around though. I went to help my friend with some drywall work, went shooting with him and his wife, went to the temple to perform baptisms for the dead, and went to dinner with them. It was a good day of getting my mind off of hurting. Saturday morning I woke up, and it was like a whole new world with the theme song "Feeling Good" by Michael Buble. My attitude was just great. I wasn't stuck thinking about my wife cheating on me or my loneliness or anything. I just felt good. I then did awesome on a job interview, had an awesome week with my son, and topped it off by finding out that since going without my blood pressure meds for 8 months because of no insurance, that between losing weight and maybe handling stress in a more positive way, my blood pressure is officially in the green without them. I feel like today is an emotional relapse, but I'm moving forward.

The Letter

About a week ago, I had a particularly abrasive night with my wife when we exchanged custody of my son. There weren't any harsh words, the atmosphere was just cruddy in a way that couldn't be denied.

She sent me a text message an hour or two later saying, "sleep well" to which I replied, "You too, I hope you can get some good rest tonight" and then out of nowhere she sent me a message saying "I'm sorry you hate me"

We text a few more minutes, and the gist of the conversation was "I don't hate you, I miss you, I hate feeling miserable and I hate you cheating on me" and her saying "don't assume you know how I feel, I miss us, I'm hurt."

It was like a slap in the face. I realized that my feelings and attitude were apparently not well known and maybe if they were, she wouldn't be so bitter towards me and maybe it could improve our relationship. The thought had been on my mind to write her a letter for a couple months now, and I decided it was time.

So I did, I'm still trying to decide if I am willing to put it up here. I don't think I will.
 The basic idea of the letter was
1 - ask her to not read into anything I said or didn't say in my letter. To take what I say at face value and if she was confused or took offense at anything I said that I would appreciate the benefit of the doubt and I was willing to talk about it.
2 - Admitted my wrongs, and enumerated her wrongs that had hurt me the most, and then bore testimony that both us had done things that were beyond human ability to repair, but through the atonement of Jesus Christ that there IS a way that we can be healed.
3 - Explained to her that I am not gone yet, its not too late yet. That I still love and miss her, and then listed a bunch of the things I miss about her and doing with her. 4 - Told her I would not compete for her, that I love and miss her and enjoy spending time with her, but I can't be her #10. I can't be her go-to guy when her boyfriend is out of town and she is lonely. I need to be her #1.
5 - Told her again, that I am still here, that I am ready to forgive her and to work for her forgiveness, and that I love her
6- I listed a bunch of things I hate about our current situation, and then clarified that I do NOT hate her. I Told her more than anything, I hate the idea of me not being able to make her happy. I told her that "If I can't be that guy, we both deserve more than that and I genuinely and sincerely hope you find it somewhere someday; I just wish you would wait a minute until we are officially over before she starts looking."
7- I told her I felt betrayed and abandoned by her.
8- I told her the things I need my wife to strive for to make me happy in this life.
9- I told her that my next marriage, with her, or someone else; will only work if the ultimate goal is eternal marriage in the temple.
10-I made her 5 promises of the major things I can offer her if she decides I am worth it.
11- I clarified again, that I would not compete for her. It was her choice whether she wanted to date me again, and try to make things work. But I wouldn't even think about going there, unless she loses the other guys.
12- I closed, basically saying that I wrote this because I saw a sliver of hope. I'm not trying to persuade you to make a choice, but rather making it clear what the choice of coming home will mean in both terms of costs, expectations, and benefits.

I gave it to her on Tuesday the 24th. I don't know if or when she read it.

All I know is the atmosphere changed between us the last couple days. Yesterday she asked me to watch all 3 kids in the morning and afternoon. After her deal, she came over and sat here on the couch right next to me touching me for about an hour talking and joking while the kids played.

Last night when I went to drop off my son, she invited me in. She put in a movie, we talked, joked, laughed, played with the kids, and just had a pretty good time for a little over 2 hours. The whole time she was sitting right next to me, putting her legs on me, basically I took it as a sign of wanting to be close to me. I felt really really really really really good last night. I have missed her soooooo much. I have yearned for exactly that with her. I sat up day-dreaming until like 3am. It was a little piece of peace. A little slice of bliss. I woke up at 8 and thought of a few things we could do today. She told me yesterday afternoon that she didn't have plans today. Around 10 I figured she would be awake so I called her and asked her how her morning was going, and if she had plans. She said yes, I'm hanging out with Jason.

*BLAMO*

Now I feel worse than I would have if last night had never happened.

I feel like I am experiencing a chemical substance addiction cycle even though I've never taken a non-medicinal chemical drug in my life. They say, at least in health class, when you come down from your highs you get lower and lower every time as you become more and more used to it. I feel like after every roller coaster ride I dip lower and lower losing more and more hope. I am starting to yearn for sweet indifference that comes with time after no good times.

I pour my heart out and enumerate one and only one request if she wants to spend time with me at the moment, and her attitude changes and she starts spending time with me. I never asked for clarification on her intentions or anything, but I guess I started to assume she had told him its over. She wasn't wearing the jewelry he gave her, I didn't see any sign of him at her apartment anymore.

And then, the very next day she makes it apparent that she doesn't care. She completely disregards everything I said.

This morning I was feeling better than I have in a LONG time. I was chipper, I was excited, I didn't have to drag myself out of bed. And now, this afternoon, I feel beat up, I feel drained, I feel exhausted.
I don't know what else to say.
Did I just lose my last sliver of hope?
I don't know, I'm going to give it one week and see what happens.
Frankly, today just sucks.

My Current Thoughts on Pornography Addiction Recovery

I am in remission, thanks to the healing effects and power of our savior and lord Jesus Christ.

I have been "sober" of my addiction since April of 2011. Sober to me meaning: that I have not sought out pornography; and when I have come across it in typical internet, print media, and television usage that I have not stayed longer than recognizing the threat and backing away from it. My definition of pornography is anything that incites carnal feelings or desires outside of my marriage (which is literally non-existent at the moment, so virtually anything that incites carnal feelings.)

I will never forget the look on my wife's face when I admitted my addiction. It is seered into my mind forever and still breaks my heart. It was the initial motivation I found to abstain from my addiction. I think that if I had come clean sooner, that if I had told her myself without first getting backed into a corner that she would be here helping me. I think that my child wouldn't be living in two homes, and I wouldn't be losing my two step daughters who were 6 months old and in the womb when I met my wife. I am the only dad they know, their biological father is in prison. My life is literally in ruins because of the damage of pornography.

I am now 8 weeks into attending an Addiction Recovery Group 12 step program put on my the LDS church derived from AA. It has moved me past my initial motivations of getting my wife back, and now I feel truly committed and in it for the right reasons. Technically I am on step 4 working from step 1 forward in the class literature, but I find myself jumping around a LOT, applying principles from other steps as I learn them.

I have found limiting the media in my home has been the biggest deterrent to experiencing cravings, I don't know how much it is the actual media, but rather that the spirit of god can't dwell in any unholy place and I have been working my hardest to make my home a refuge from the world and inviting to the spirit of the lord. I have all but stopped watching R rated movies, I look up all PG-13 movies online to understand their reasons for being rated that way before watching them. I tried turning the internet off on my phone for awhile, but I found it didn't really help me. I found that the key to not indulging in my addiction comes not from impeding my ability to seek it out (internet filters, ect...) but rather recognizing the triggers and getting control of the thoughts as they first creep into my mind. I do this through prayer, scripture study, and spiritual hymns. If I get to the point of wanting to seek out the pornography I have already let it go to far and my addiction is controlling my actions as opposed to myself.

Over time I came clean to a number of people. Wife, Ecclesiastical Leader, Father, Mother, Brother, individually selected extended family, and now a handful of my friends. I have found it easier to address the problem the more open I am about it (within reason). A lot of support comes out of the woodwork as soon as I am willing to be the first one to come out and expose my addiction. A LOT of people struggle with pornography or have at some point, I never would have guessed some of the people who have confided in me with their struggles and/or past once I came forward first.

I heard once, that addiction is like mold. When you tuck it away in a dark damp place, it only festers and endangers our mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health. As soon as it is brought out into the light, it is a simple problem, it may be deeply rooted and it may require extensive repairs, but its no complicated affair. I firmly believe this.

Another crumby day

Today started out well. But now I can't get my wife out of my mind. I can't get it out of my mind that she spent all evening with her boyfriend alone at her apartment. I am hurting again tonight. I can't shake the thoughts. My imagination is being a real douche. I close my eyes and see images of her with him in ways I don't want to describe. I cant turn it off tonight, I think its going to be a long night.

I wanted to have a good night with her tonight.
I made a plan to take her and all of the kids to Beauty and the Beast 3D if she would go.
The conversation got out of hand so fast, I really don't even know what happened.
 I really cannot effectively communicate with her at all, and I don't know any way that I can take the blame for that. I asked her a second time for her ssn and her new address for divorce papers tonight and she somehow interpreted it as me trying to screw her out of everything.
A couple months ago we went to lunch and we talked about what we wanted and reached a general consensus and agreement. I told her I would fill them out with her when she was ready, and even brought it up several times on bad days. She never wanted to take the time to fill out the papers. Finally the other night, I realized it was time and I was going to fill out the divorce papers and file them myself if she wasn't wanting to do it with me. She is self-admittedly in an intimate, sexually-active relationship with her boyfriend. She doesn't care about getting a divorce unless it happens to work as ammunition to throw a fit, act the victim, or get something at the particular moment she is in. I've decided to let her move on the right way. I filled out papers exactly how we discussed. Giving her the more reliable, valuable car, giving her the majority of our last joint tax return, giving her the agree'd upon time with Grayson. I actually went above what she asked for and said I would cash out my 401k and give her half of the cash. I'm trying to do this as fair and reasonably as I can, but because I'm the one filling out the papers she goes on defense and threatens me to make it as hard as possible on me. What the heck am I supposed to do?!? I thought I was doing everyone a favor by filling out and filing the papers. I still want her back, I still think if she would only let me I could make her happy. I'm doing this so that she isn't committing adultery anymore, because whether she cares or not right now, I think she will face a lot of pain about these decisions in the future and the sooner she can be committing fornication as opposed to adultery, the better. I'm doing this because I'm a failure at making her happy, and I want her to find that somewhere somehow, even if it isn't me.

It hurts to see our relationship in such ruins I can't even ask her to go see a movie with me.

I often ponder, if I had the knowledge and insight that I do now last April-ish, if I could have made things work. If I knew then what I know now, would things have turned out differently?

I'm starting to think that it wouldn't have helped anything. From the first moments of our problems, when she said she wanted a divorce, but she would move downstairs for a few weeks at first, she was seeking comfort from other men.
A couple days ago, my thoughts were that if I had only given her the space she asked for upfront, that it would have given her the opportunity to cope herself before trying to cope with the relationship. Now I don't think she would have used the time effectively if I had given it to her. I think we would have found ourselves in this exact situation a lot sooner.
In some ways the space of her moving out and only texting here and there has been nice. It has allowed me to attempt to emotionally distance myself from her. I don't know if I am just pretending, or if the pain is really getting more bearable seeing her boyfriend in my car while she drops off my son. Lately my blood hasn't gone to insta-boil. I've been able to shrug it off by making fun of him for having matching jewelry with my wife. I've been able to not dwell on it. Not tonight.

I don't know if my numbness is a good thing, or a bad thing. Sure, its nice to not feel my heart ripped to pieces every moment of every day, but the pain and suffering is what inspired my personal growth. Am I no longer finding reason in this? Am I no longer using it to progress into a better person? Am I feeling less pain because my life is slightly drifting to a lesser place? I don't know the answer to these questions. I pray that I can have the strength and ability to wake up every morning, and be a better person than I was the day before.

I'm going to start telling a story here and there from the last year of my life to share my story and get it off my chest.

I'm going to start with sometime in May 2011. The night I told her I was addicted to pornography.

It shattered her whole existence. I will NEVER forget her face that night, and the remorse I feel for causing it. It still causes tears to come to my eyes. This face was my entire motivation for turning my life around until a few months ago. She told me she wanted to be left alone, so I went into our bedroom and laid down. It must have been 30 minutes or so later I heard a "thud" and I went and saw that she had fallen off of a kitchen chair while getting a coloring book off the top of the fridge. She said she was fine, and told me to go away. A few minutes later I heard the cupboard open and quietly went back into our kitchen to find she had already consumed an obscene amount of alcohol. Nearly two large bottles of whine-cooler, at least a third of a fifth of Whiskey, and was in the process of drinking a mug full of Brandy. I didn't leave her side for the next 7 hours watching for any signs that she needed to go to the doctor. She was such a wreck.
Keeping her from falling down stairs all night, falling off chairs, laying on the floor bawling for 30+ minutes at a time because she couldn't move. She went into the backyard by rolling over the railing of our steps and falling a good 5 feet. Then she came inside and exhibited her most typical symptom of drinking, a desire for sexual intimacy, but I told her no. I kissed her, I held her, I told her how sorry I was and how I wish I could take everything I had done back, but I told her I wouldn't go there in her current state of inebriation and emotional distress. Her reaction was a textbook example of my life even to this day in regards to our relationship. She screamed at me, she told me she wasn't attractive enough for me. Eventually after what seems like hours of ripping into me, calling me a worthless piece of &*$, then coming down on herself because of her physical self-image, she drifted off to sleep and I watched her until the sun rose the next morning so I could ensure she kept breathing.

The next day, I thought she would appreciate my not taking advantage of her in such a vulnerable state, but no. I got yelled at again. The thing is, I KNOW that if I had given into her advances, I would have been wrong, I would have been taking advantage of her, and if she did remember, she would have hated me for it. The last year of my life, I genuinely can't think of a single situation where my decision actually mattered. She is prepared to take offense at either direction I go.

I wish more than anything I had never caused her this pain. I wish I had never caused her this inner turmoil and hurt. She isn't this person she is pretending to be now. She KNOWS the damage she is doing to herself and our children by being in this extramarital relationship. She felt that pain herself through my pornography and through her first husbands actions that landed him in prison.
I believe it was January 1st. The last night she slept here at home. I was going on a business trip and asked her to come over a couple nights before I left so we could spend some time together. She was tucking the girls into bed and stepped on a block, and her initial gut reaction was yelling the f word. Right there in the girls room, over stepping on a block. That is not the woman I know and love. She has such bitterness and hurt inside. I wish I could take it all away.

One sunday, she was very emotional. I had made a habit of attending church weekly at this point, on the weeks she would go she would refuse to sit as a family or associate with me, so her very limited attendance didn't influence mine. She had a huge problem with me going without her, but I knew I couldn't win and I knew what I needed most in life. If I went to church, I was being self-righteous and condescending. I decided to stay home and do my best to nurture her this particular week, I thought that was the most important thing I could do that day. I don't think I stopped getting criticized for missing church that week for two months. It "proved that I was just a fake." I can't win.

In hindsight I think the reason she wouldn't sit by me, and would never go with me was an act. She had "vented" to ladies in the ward; exaggerated, and straight up lied about things I had done. The ladies in the ward thought I was seeing other women during our marriage, they thought I was going to strip clubs, they thought I was abusive, they thought I used porn as a weapon to hurt my wife, they thought I had partook of prostitution, and worst of all, they thought I raped my wife.
I cheated on my wife while we were dating, and I had an addiction with pornography in our marriage. These are the two ways I was untrue. I was 100% in the wrong, but I think cheating in marriage and before marriage are two separate issues.
Was I a dirt bag? Yes.
Do I blame her for not wanting to be married to someone who would do that? No.
Am I an abusive, sex crazed, prostitute visiting, rapist? Absolutely not.
Looking these women in the eye at church every week was extremely hard. It took all my strength to smile and just wait for their beliefs of me to be proven wrong over time... and that was before I started seeing Facebook messages from them, and my extended family to my wife giving her advice on how to take my son away from me.
Overcoming that bitterness has been one of the biggest struggles of my life.
But I look back now, going on a year later, and I can't remember exactly how bad the pain hurt. I can't duplicate those feelings. People are starting to see what is really happening, and for that I am extremely grateful. My life has slowly been filled with true friends. People who know me, and trust me, and have my back. I remember not even being able to describe the pain of some of the most important people in my life thinking these things about me, I remember being reduced to sobs for hours on numerous occasions, and this being a part of that pain that brought about the deepest despair and hurt I've ever felt. I am eternally grateful for the memory of the pain and the lessons learned from it, but no can't begin to express my gratitude for longer having it as a daily struggle in my life.

Think what you want of me, it doesn't matter. I have true friends I can rely on, and ultimately the only people I have to answer to are my bishop, my wife, and the lord. All three of those people know, or can know through inspiration the realities of what they are told, and obviously know if they are spewing hateful lies.

Today was better

I feel like shouting my good news from the rooftops, but I don't know how appropriate that would be.
So I will utilize this blog to shout my news.

Today, January 10th, 2012 I was interviewed by the stake presidency and found worthy to be ordained an Elder in the Melchizedek Priesthood. It looks like I will most likely be ordained this Sunday, January 15th 2012 by my father.

This has been a long time coming. It has been a lot of change, a lot of work, a lot of prayer, sorrow, peace, and joy.
I am a completely different person than I was one year ago today, and that person is great. I am proud of my growth this year, I am proud of the person I have become.

Today Hurts

Today is painful.
I don't know where this post is going to go, but I feel like writing.

I miss my wife. I miss my kids. I miss my best friend.
Last night we had a family dinner at my dads house for my wife's birthday. It went surprisingly well. We had dinner, brownies, and then played sequence together. My heart aches for her to come home so bad, to be a family again. To let me throw her on the couch and kiss her. To come up behind her while she is doing dishes and wrap my arms around her and tell her I love her. To bring flowers home with me and surprise her. I want to hold her. I want to stay up late playing mancala and mall madness. I want to go to her with big decisions, concerns, fears, and questions in my life for input and support. I want to consult with her about our future. I want to lay in bed late at night and remind each other of old times and funny things the kids have done. I want to go to class with her at night. I want to stress about final exams with her. I want to drink sparkling cider in front of the fireplace with her for no reason other than to feel high-class and posh to unwind from a hellacious week. I want to read together with her at night once the kids are asleep....we never made it through the series we started together. I want to surprise her with a musical greeting card and a can of gourmet cookies on my way home from work for no reason. I want to waste a chunk of my workday on her with skype. I want to text pictures to her in the most creative ways I can think of to say "I love you", like nibbling chicken tenders into a "I, <3, U" shapes. I want to see a ring on her finger, and to feel like she is proud to be my wife. I want to not be able to find a babysitter when we desperately need a date night... so we give the kids a dose of benedryl and put them to bed by 7pm. I want to complain to her about how bad I want a dog and pretend like she is the one stopping us from getting a puppy. I want to braid her hair and for her to pretend like she isn't embarrassed.

None of that matters anymore.
She doesn't love me, and its my fault.

There have been some changes recently, at least in my mind, and I am officially admitting failure.
She has a place of her own now, she has a boyfriend she loves. She thinks this is what is going to make her happy, not me. I disagree, but that is irrelevant at this point. For the last several months, I have been holding her back from moving on. She has been committing adultery because I didn't "give" her a divorce when she asked for it long ago. She obviously doesn't love me anymore, our relationship means nothing to her. It is past my time, and I have filled out divorce papers to let her move on. My heart aches and yearns for her to lay in my arms, that term doesn't seem to do my feelings justice, but its the best I can do right now.

Even when we are together, were not together. Even when I hold her, I know she's not there. When I hug her goodbye I know that it's not the same. It's the shell of my wife. I miss her so much, and there isn't anything I can do to satisfy that yearning for her love, it really does feel like I'm lying next to a ghost.

"Theres too many questions
and too many strings
and they won't keep their self tied
On a roller coaster ride
It feels like I'm lying next to a ghost at night"
Right Where I Belong - 3 Doors Down



Every lost-love song seems like it was written about me, and how big of a screw up and failure I am.

Maybe she really is just too good for me. I genuinely do not know a single thing I could have done more to try and express my regrets and show my love for her. I'm not saying I did things right, I would change a lot if I could, but I gave it EVERYTHING I had and in the end..... I'm out. I want her to be happy, and if I cant give her that after the last 5 years, I guess its time to let her find it somewhere else.

Sometimes I wish she could see the changes I've felt in myself the last year. Maybe they are all in my head... maybe I'm just the same dirt bag that I've always been, just on a roll being able to abstain from my weaknesses in an effort to get her back?.... No, that's not true. I know that Jesus Christ is my savior. I know that through the grace of god I can rise above my character weaknesses and flaws, and turn them into strengths. I recently spent a lot of time alone on the road, a time that would have historically been very difficult for me. Instead of inner turmoil and temptation, I felt peace. I felt help. I felt the companionship of my grandfather in one particular leg of the journey. I'm being blessed, I'm experiencing a complete change of heart that I have been seeking. I don't want to change for her, I want her to change with me. I guess that is why young marriages are so prone to failure. Both people still have a lot of growing to do, and they could grow any number of directions.

I want it to go away, even for a moment.

"If I lay here
If I just lay here.
Would you lie with me,
and just forget the world?"
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars


Well this post has been for no one but myself, and I feel slightly relieved of my bottled up emotions. I think I will end here, and write another post that may be of benefit to others who may read this someday for information on what I did or didn't do and how it affected the outcome of my troubled marriage.

More

I havent had the desire to sit down and type this out for a few weeks now, but I think its time to start telling my story again and get back to getting it all out and down in writing to straighten out my thoughts.

Well, the night that the crap really hit the fan, not the night that everything came out, but the first time we really sat down and I was still on my defense trying to keep my secrets she made me a "deal". I knew it was a bad idea, I knew it wouldnt fix anything, but it was my only choice, my only chance to keep things from falling apart right then and there. She demanded I buy her a breast augmentation surgery. She said she was self concious about all the other breasts I had seen and that hers didn't live up to my expectations due to her having had and breast fed three children. She was wrong, I never judged her against another woman and I never had any problems or complaints or secret desires for her breasts to be "improved". I said OK. I said I wanted to go see a marriage counselor before we made the appointment for the surgery, but I said ok, praying that the counselor would see my side of things and tell her the surgery wouldn't really address or correct any of her insecurities or feelings. He didn't.. he told her to go for it, that it would make her feel better. He also said several other things that in hind-sight were complete garbage.

I took off a thursday and friday for her surgery and for the first time in 4 years got into debt to pay for her surgery through a personal loan. I lost my job the next monday.

It wasn't long after the surgery that she started texting an old guy friend, we will call him D.
One night me and my wife were sitting on the couch watching a movie and I looked at her phone. She had sent text messages about strip teases and her breasts to D. I confronted her. She took the keys to the car and left around 10pm, not returning until about 3 am. I asked her who she was with all night and she told me her sisters, and her sisters friend and her sisters friends cousin. I had a problem with it and she just got more angry at me as if every other woman in the world leaves for all night avoiding her husbands call and texts and it was reasonable.
A short time later, on August 5th, 2011 my wife snuck out at 11:30pm. I heard the back door close and tried to chase her but she had already left. I checked for her in all of our cars, sheds, yard, I am confident she was gone. It was about 4:30 AM that she came back inside. I (angrily) asked her where she had gone to and she told me she went with D, and they went to a park and talked. I looked at her phone again and he sent a text asking "how do I get back to the freeway again?" I told him to take "F*&^* off BLVD" He proceeded to text me and threaten me several times to which I replied turn your car around, I'm waiting and then stopped texting him. I also read the previous texts to and from him that night and saw that he text her at 10pm saying, "don't forget about me" to which she replied, "I have to wait until he falls asleep, the back door is really loud". Her story changed a couple weeks later that she was hiding in the van in our driveway for most of the night and really only spent less than an hour with the home-wrecker.
I hit my lowest spot in life to date at this point.

Lets go back to May 2011. I started meeting with my bishop. I confessed my sins, I asked for his help in moving forward. I was as sincere as anyone has ever been. My life had been on hold for a decade because of my failure to come unto repentance. There was nothing stopping me anymore.
I made as much restitution as possible for multiple wrongs I've done, and got my life on track. I have actually just been interviewed by my bishop and been found worthy to be ordained to the office of Elder in the Mel. Priesthood. I am waiting a call from the stake presidency to set up an interview with them. Two weeks ago I got a conditional use temple recommend for the first honest time in my life. This situation has in a way been the best thing to ever happen to me. It gave me the motivation I needed to get my life back on track. I know that Jesus Christ is my savior. My brother who made everything possible through his atoning sacrifice. I know he is there for me. I know I surpassed my mortal abilities to forgive and be patient months ago. I know he is holding me up and getting me through this.

Back to Auguust.

I experienced some crazy emotions here. At this point I was confident that my wife was physically cheating on me. At this point she actually came out and told me she slept with her sisters friends cousin the first night she left. She told me she had sex with him in the drivers seat of my car. I don't fully understand them, but when I learned about her unfaithfulness I reacted in a way entirely different than she did. I wanted to hold her, I wanted to feel like she was mine. I wanted to be intimate with her. I think that is backwards, I should have wanted her gone, I should have wanted to call her a whore, a slut, a bitch. But I just wanted her to come home and say "I'm sorry, I love you". I felt this everyday for what seemed like a long time. Everytime I got in my car I could only think about my wife riding another man in that very spot.

I made the decision. I made the decision to try and get over my hurt and bitter feelings towards her. I decided to do everything I could to forgive and forget her tresspasses on a daily or more frequent basis.

Her texts continued with D but I don't remember her leaving the house at night to be with him or further physical interaction with him until November.

In October she entered into a relationship with a man named L. Her ex husbands ex brother in law. The guy was an outright alcoholic, had a criminal rap sheet a mile long including child abuse, dishonorably discharged from the military. He was a real piece of work. She text and called him alot. She lied to me and went on an 8 hour long hike with him. I found out through our 5 year old daughter that he went on the hike with them. Let me point out that she deliberately and specifically lied to me about this atleast a dozen times when asked yes or no questions. In early November she told me she was done with L because he was an idiot and a drunkard.

She then started going to her brothers house in the evenings to hang out, de stress, and "get away", ignoring my calls and texts, and coming back hours later than she said she would be (often in the early hours of the morning). I tried to not pass judgement here, thinking that she really was having a hard time and needed to get out. Turns out her brother introduced her to her newest love interest. J. I don't know alot about J. I know he has a drinking problem and has already told her that he looks at porn. I know he has kids he can't see. I know he is officially dating my wife in a "steady" relationship. I know he works nights, and his nights off are Wed. and Sat. I know that every single Wed and Sat night him and my wife have had sleepovers for the last 3+ weeks. I know my daughters talk about him alot. I know my wife told me she loves him and he makes her happy. I know that seeing them on a date. Seeing his car in front of her fathers home where she is staying. Thinking about them every wed and sat, especially when my son is there and I know he is watching his mother with another man. I know that this is the worst I've ever felt in my life. I know that I 've never experienced real panic attacks, not being able to breath, sweating, and generally feeling like I am litterally going to die until then. I know that I can't even describe the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain I feel about my wife being with another man.

Background

I was born into the LDS faith, to parents who divorced before I was old enough to remember.
My first exposure to pornography was when my neighbors invited me and my brother over to play at their house. They ended up on the computer looking at unsavory pages and I left before seeing too much. I didn't have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ at this point in my life and I dwelt on these images for awhile until my curiosity got the better of me to get on our computer when the opportunity arose. It went downhill from there. Before long masturbation and pornography became an intertwined issue in my life.

Around the age of 17 I went to my bishop. I told him about my immorality and felt the weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't remember how long I abstained from pornography, but girlfriends came and went and church attendance dwindled to naught and soon I was back into my old ways. At this point I felt it was too late. I remembered the words were strongly impressed upon me from a conference address about "the days of the repent and go missionaries are over". And I started living a lie. I told family and friends that I intended on serving a mission. I told them money was the only thing holding me back. I felt it was too late to go forward to the bishop again. As if I really thought that he wouldn't have known my unworthiness if I had ever submitted my application. I became more sexually active. I was in the middle of this giant world of crud and despair when I met my wife. She lived only a few blocks from me, but we had never met.
She was in the process of a divorce and I knew within a few weeks of meeting her that I wanted to marry her, I just didn't entirely understand what that meant and how my actions would affect her.

Due to her recent past with scum ball guys, I put on my mask of a perfect life. I am not going to say I wasn't myself. I acted like the person I wanted to be. I finally convinced her of the goodness of my heart and my true care for her. We started dating officially a few months after her divorce was final in November of 2007.
In February she told me she was going to move out of state because she could no longer subject herself and her child to the situation she was in living with her parent and not being allowed to raise her child as she saw fit. I told her that moving to NYC to live with family wasn't the only option. I proposed to her via text message and she said yes. Our engagement was set for 1 week. We were to elope to Las Vegas the following Saturday and get married. I leaked my plans to one person, who leaked them to my father. My father called me in to speak to him and offered me nothing but support. He gave me a few hundred dollars to help offset the cost of a ring, expressed his love towards my bride to be, and offered us his home as a place to hold the ceremony. We accepted due to the love and support we received but hadn't expected.

The first thing I remember upon returning from our Honeymoon was laying in my room at my mothers house where we were going to live for a few months until we could find a place of our own. She had prepared me a meal of Top-Ramen mixed with Spaghettio's and we lay in our room talking and munching on the food. I was on cloud 9, but the reality of marriage had not hit me yet. We hadn't even picked up our two daughters from the sitter yet. She said to me "If there is anything I need to know about you or your past, tell me now. I can leave now before it gets complicated, only a handful of people know about our marriage and it can save us heartache and embarrassment." At that point I felt like I could NEVER tell her. But I vowed to never give into the temptation again. My secret attempt at breaking the chains of pornography failed. A few months later I sought it out as soon as I was alone and saw that we had an unsecured Internet connection within range of our new home.

I don't think I viewed it again for over a year beyond that. We never established a habit of attending church. About the only thing we did right was I don't think we missed a night of family prayer in the first 3 years of our marriage. I will take the blame for the brunt of this. There were weeks here and there that she would want to go and I would discourage her because it was such a process to get the kids ready and get them to try and behave as we wanted; especially when church overlapped their nap time.

Then we got a new home, we signed our very own mortgage and moved to a place we could really call our own. I shortly submitted myself to the will of satan and indulged in my weakness. I would estimate that over the course of two years I indulged in pornography and masturbation approximately 15 times. I felt shamed, and when I did give into the beast I would not be intimate with my wife for a time. I knew she deserved better, and I wanted her help but I didn't know how to ask for it. We never developed true communication.

Out of nowhere appeared a woman's shirt in our van. I do not know where it came from to this day, but it raised suspicion in my wife and she started digging. When she started digging she found evidence of my pre-marital sexual history of which I had hidden most from her (she didn't think I was a virgin, but she didn't know my whole past).

She asked me about a specific girl several times whom I interacted with quite regularly up through even my relationship with my wife blossomed. I felt backed into a corner, and I lied to her. I told her nothing went on with us. She contacted the girl on facebook and learned of my lies. She also contacted old friends to ask them about anything and everything.
I admitted my relationship with the first girl, but denied other accusations. Before long the flood gates were opened and we sat down at her request and tried to recount EVERYTHING I had never told her.
The problem here is that I don't have a vivid memory of my relationships and the details of those relationships from my past. I tried to fill in the blanks to appease her, and tried to put my emotions and feelings into words, but most of the time it came out wrong, or she interpreted it in the worst possible way. I wanted to work with her and tell her everything, but the fact of the matter is that I couldn't due to the boundaries of my memories of such events. I knew it wasn't typically productive to hash over all the details. I knew it would do little to no more than cause pain, but I felt I had no choice. I had to do what she asked in an effort to establish trust. I know for a fact about how man women I have "been with", and I told her that, but she wanted nitty gritty details and I tried to indulge her by filling in the gaps to the best of my abilities to try and establish trust to move forward. This is the point that I came clean about my struggles with pornography.

We went and saw a marriage counselor. He gave us a few good tools and concentrated on leaving the past behind us instead of trying to move it. She agreed that she would and could do this, but as soon as the sessions were over she would take back everything she told the counselor.

I felt extremely conflicted here, my life was in shambles and things were just bad. She wanted to move out, she already wanted a divorce, but we were trying.

I felt conflicted in that if I had told her of my indiscretions and struggles with pornography that I never would have gotten her heart. I never would have had my son. I never would have gotten the time with her that I did. That time that I value more than any other point in my life, ever. That time that has really augmented my growing up by becoming an insta-dad. Our marriage changed my life and I wouldn't ever take it back. At the same time I know my initial lies of omission and later blatant lies were wrong and she didn't deserve that. It took everything I had to convince her that there were decent guys out there still after her divorce, and that I was one of those guys who could and would take care of her and love her. I didn't see any other way than through secrets.

I think this is where I will stop for now. I apologize that this seems to jump around, as previously mentioned this is the first time I am putting this in writing. One major purpose of this blog is to make sense of my mess of a mind. To sort through it. Sometimes I guess you have to make a bigger mess before you can clean it.

Its a long story

We were young when we entered into wedlock, and now it appears like we will be one of the statistics, the ones we knew all about and said we refused to become.

I married my wife about 4 years ago. She was the mother of 2 young children from a previous marriage of hers. I knew she had a lot of baggage resulting from physical, emotional, and mental abuse occuring in that marriage.
I thought I could help her, I thought I could be the perfect husband and be the guy she thought didn't existed. I thought wrong.

Those two children are my own, the oldest was 6 months old when I met her and her sperm donor was locked up for sex crimes. The youngest came into this world with me pacing in the hospital hallway waiting for her first cries. I am losing them.

We got pregnant only a few months after our marriage, and we now have a 2.5 year old son who was born in 2009. Things were great. We got our own place, we had our child together, and we fell into a rutt. It was comfortable, we knew what to expect, but it was not conducive to proper communication or growing into the best friends we should have become. We were *ARE* young, and both of us grew up in broken homes were the way to communicate was to not communicate.

I have dealt with a demon, my temptation, my weakness since about the age of 13. I have a problem with pornography. I kept this from my wife. It took me a year to convince her that i was a decent man. That I was worth it and I never saw the opportunity to come clean about it.
I also kept secret some of my pre-marital sexual indiscretions.

As secrets usually do, they came to light.

I am creating this blog mostly in an effort to vent and as a way to put my thoughts and emotions into writing to better understand where I am at. But if someone comes across this and it can help them avoid making some of the same mistakes or validate someone elses sincere pain, then I have done more than I set out to do.

I don't much feel like writing anymore tonight. Its 11pm and depression is weighing heavily on me.

I will pick up around May 2011 on my next entry; when things took a turn from a normal, yet still suffering relationship into an imminent train-wreck.