Friday, February 10, 2012

Its been awhile

I want to tell you about how I'm on the up and up, but I'm going to start out by saying, "screw tonight!"
Sat down with the wifey tonight after she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend for a couple days, and then got back together with him about 10 minutes before I got there. I told her that was ridiculous, that she was more dedicated to her extra-marital boyfriend than to her husband by giving him a second chance when he asked for it. She listened to me for a minute, I mean she really listened. In the end, she decided to stonewall and that was that. She is making the biggest mistake of her life thus far. She is so deep in her situation that she is acting exactly like an idiot teenager. Making the same mistakes that I made that hurt her in the first place. As if she doesn't know where the life she is choosing will take her. Her heart is the hardest I have ever seen. She proceeded to cry and tell me that I don't know how it feels to have every man she's ever loved cheat on her with pornography, to which I sincerely agree'd... and then told me how her boyfriend is perfect... and looks at pornography. I wonder if she can even hear herself? I wish I could help her, not even primarily for our marriage, but just help her. I love and miss her so much. I know the "new her" isn't the real her.

Then my best friend/confidant/ear and shoulder to talk to and vent on for the past few months pretty much asked me to leave her alone for awhile, understandably and I'm happy to accommodate her, but good gosh I'm feeling it tonight. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to that understands a little, someone that can take a crap day and make you smile. I'm losing that with this friendship, at least for now... and hopefully forever if she can make her marriage work where I couldn't.

That being said, I do generally feel on the up. Last week sucked, bad. On friday things kind of turned around though. I went to help my friend with some drywall work, went shooting with him and his wife, went to the temple to perform baptisms for the dead, and went to dinner with them. It was a good day of getting my mind off of hurting. Saturday morning I woke up, and it was like a whole new world with the theme song "Feeling Good" by Michael Buble. My attitude was just great. I wasn't stuck thinking about my wife cheating on me or my loneliness or anything. I just felt good. I then did awesome on a job interview, had an awesome week with my son, and topped it off by finding out that since going without my blood pressure meds for 8 months because of no insurance, that between losing weight and maybe handling stress in a more positive way, my blood pressure is officially in the green without them. I feel like today is an emotional relapse, but I'm moving forward.