Friday, November 25, 2011

Its a long story

We were young when we entered into wedlock, and now it appears like we will be one of the statistics, the ones we knew all about and said we refused to become.

I married my wife about 4 years ago. She was the mother of 2 young children from a previous marriage of hers. I knew she had a lot of baggage resulting from physical, emotional, and mental abuse occuring in that marriage.
I thought I could help her, I thought I could be the perfect husband and be the guy she thought didn't existed. I thought wrong.

Those two children are my own, the oldest was 6 months old when I met her and her sperm donor was locked up for sex crimes. The youngest came into this world with me pacing in the hospital hallway waiting for her first cries. I am losing them.

We got pregnant only a few months after our marriage, and we now have a 2.5 year old son who was born in 2009. Things were great. We got our own place, we had our child together, and we fell into a rutt. It was comfortable, we knew what to expect, but it was not conducive to proper communication or growing into the best friends we should have become. We were *ARE* young, and both of us grew up in broken homes were the way to communicate was to not communicate.

I have dealt with a demon, my temptation, my weakness since about the age of 13. I have a problem with pornography. I kept this from my wife. It took me a year to convince her that i was a decent man. That I was worth it and I never saw the opportunity to come clean about it.
I also kept secret some of my pre-marital sexual indiscretions.

As secrets usually do, they came to light.

I am creating this blog mostly in an effort to vent and as a way to put my thoughts and emotions into writing to better understand where I am at. But if someone comes across this and it can help them avoid making some of the same mistakes or validate someone elses sincere pain, then I have done more than I set out to do.

I don't much feel like writing anymore tonight. Its 11pm and depression is weighing heavily on me.

I will pick up around May 2011 on my next entry; when things took a turn from a normal, yet still suffering relationship into an imminent train-wreck.

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