Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Letter

About a week ago, I had a particularly abrasive night with my wife when we exchanged custody of my son. There weren't any harsh words, the atmosphere was just cruddy in a way that couldn't be denied.

She sent me a text message an hour or two later saying, "sleep well" to which I replied, "You too, I hope you can get some good rest tonight" and then out of nowhere she sent me a message saying "I'm sorry you hate me"

We text a few more minutes, and the gist of the conversation was "I don't hate you, I miss you, I hate feeling miserable and I hate you cheating on me" and her saying "don't assume you know how I feel, I miss us, I'm hurt."

It was like a slap in the face. I realized that my feelings and attitude were apparently not well known and maybe if they were, she wouldn't be so bitter towards me and maybe it could improve our relationship. The thought had been on my mind to write her a letter for a couple months now, and I decided it was time.

So I did, I'm still trying to decide if I am willing to put it up here. I don't think I will.
 The basic idea of the letter was
1 - ask her to not read into anything I said or didn't say in my letter. To take what I say at face value and if she was confused or took offense at anything I said that I would appreciate the benefit of the doubt and I was willing to talk about it.
2 - Admitted my wrongs, and enumerated her wrongs that had hurt me the most, and then bore testimony that both us had done things that were beyond human ability to repair, but through the atonement of Jesus Christ that there IS a way that we can be healed.
3 - Explained to her that I am not gone yet, its not too late yet. That I still love and miss her, and then listed a bunch of the things I miss about her and doing with her. 4 - Told her I would not compete for her, that I love and miss her and enjoy spending time with her, but I can't be her #10. I can't be her go-to guy when her boyfriend is out of town and she is lonely. I need to be her #1.
5 - Told her again, that I am still here, that I am ready to forgive her and to work for her forgiveness, and that I love her
6- I listed a bunch of things I hate about our current situation, and then clarified that I do NOT hate her. I Told her more than anything, I hate the idea of me not being able to make her happy. I told her that "If I can't be that guy, we both deserve more than that and I genuinely and sincerely hope you find it somewhere someday; I just wish you would wait a minute until we are officially over before she starts looking."
7- I told her I felt betrayed and abandoned by her.
8- I told her the things I need my wife to strive for to make me happy in this life.
9- I told her that my next marriage, with her, or someone else; will only work if the ultimate goal is eternal marriage in the temple.
10-I made her 5 promises of the major things I can offer her if she decides I am worth it.
11- I clarified again, that I would not compete for her. It was her choice whether she wanted to date me again, and try to make things work. But I wouldn't even think about going there, unless she loses the other guys.
12- I closed, basically saying that I wrote this because I saw a sliver of hope. I'm not trying to persuade you to make a choice, but rather making it clear what the choice of coming home will mean in both terms of costs, expectations, and benefits.

I gave it to her on Tuesday the 24th. I don't know if or when she read it.

All I know is the atmosphere changed between us the last couple days. Yesterday she asked me to watch all 3 kids in the morning and afternoon. After her deal, she came over and sat here on the couch right next to me touching me for about an hour talking and joking while the kids played.

Last night when I went to drop off my son, she invited me in. She put in a movie, we talked, joked, laughed, played with the kids, and just had a pretty good time for a little over 2 hours. The whole time she was sitting right next to me, putting her legs on me, basically I took it as a sign of wanting to be close to me. I felt really really really really really good last night. I have missed her soooooo much. I have yearned for exactly that with her. I sat up day-dreaming until like 3am. It was a little piece of peace. A little slice of bliss. I woke up at 8 and thought of a few things we could do today. She told me yesterday afternoon that she didn't have plans today. Around 10 I figured she would be awake so I called her and asked her how her morning was going, and if she had plans. She said yes, I'm hanging out with Jason.


Now I feel worse than I would have if last night had never happened.

I feel like I am experiencing a chemical substance addiction cycle even though I've never taken a non-medicinal chemical drug in my life. They say, at least in health class, when you come down from your highs you get lower and lower every time as you become more and more used to it. I feel like after every roller coaster ride I dip lower and lower losing more and more hope. I am starting to yearn for sweet indifference that comes with time after no good times.

I pour my heart out and enumerate one and only one request if she wants to spend time with me at the moment, and her attitude changes and she starts spending time with me. I never asked for clarification on her intentions or anything, but I guess I started to assume she had told him its over. She wasn't wearing the jewelry he gave her, I didn't see any sign of him at her apartment anymore.

And then, the very next day she makes it apparent that she doesn't care. She completely disregards everything I said.

This morning I was feeling better than I have in a LONG time. I was chipper, I was excited, I didn't have to drag myself out of bed. And now, this afternoon, I feel beat up, I feel drained, I feel exhausted.
I don't know what else to say.
Did I just lose my last sliver of hope?
I don't know, I'm going to give it one week and see what happens.
Frankly, today just sucks.

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